There comes a point when even the toughest among us give up. Surrender. Throw in the towel. Or in this case, the tissue. After not being able to breathe for seven months I’m finally going in for allergy testing.
I know, why rush into it, right?
Since July I’ve sounded like Gilda Radner reviving her role as Lisa Loopner. I can’t breathe through my nose. When I drink something I feel like I’m being water boarded. When I chew with my mouth closed I have a panic attack because I start to suffocate. I leave a charming string of used Kleenex in my wake.
Yes, I am disgusting.
But I fought the good fight. This has been building up for several years. Chronic sinus infections. Fewer and fewer medications that helped. And finally only steroid bursts (or the best thing ever, a steroid shot) would offer any relief. But even that became short- lived.
This year it occurred that what seemed like sinus infection (chronic congestion) might be something else. After all, I have no other symptoms. I just can’t breathe. Oh, I can sneeze for ten minutes straight, but I’ve developed that into more of an art. I can sneeze the opening of the Star Spangled Banner and one rather crude verse of Barnacle Bill the Sailor. But I had to weigh the options of taking this talent on stage with continuing to teach. It gets rather difficult to teach phonics when “M” and “N” sound like “B” and “D”. Like my first grader wasn’t confused enough.
I’m in the process of cleaning out my medicine cabinet and tossing the worthless over-the-counter crap that’s accumulated over the months, without doing a lick of good. Antihistamines? Phffft. Decongestants? Please. (Okay, there was a short time when Sudafed was my friend. When I was ready to find a meth addict to make out with so I could get a dose of Pseudoephedrine.) But again, the relief didn’t last. (Probably a good thing). Neti-pots? I’d like to track down the guy who came up with that idea and beat an apology from him. Nasal sprays? Snort. Allegra-D? I’ll save that for the next time I want to stay awake for 24 hours. Truly special.
I got tested nearly forty years ago so I already know I have allergies. Went on medication for about a decade and the problem dissipated. But apparently they’ve come roaring back with a vengeance. Hence the appointment today. By mid-afternoon, I’ll be looking like this:
It’s going to take a lot of McGillicudy’s to make up for that one hour in the doctor’s office. So to take my mind off of it, I’ll go retro and watch a little Lisa Loopner. Maybe she doesn’t sound so bad after all. Maybe-with more time–I could even get used to sounding like her <g>:
Do you have allergies? What do you about them? Any home remedies for the tissue-dependent among us?