Kylie Finds Her Calling

Remember that conversation we had a while back about what super power we would choose? Well, turns out that we had one all along that we didn’t even know about!

At least that’s the ‘truth’ according to one political shock jock.  Last week I was in stitches when I read his assertion that femi-nazis and the chickification of America were responsible for…wait for it…the decreasing average size of the male penis.

I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.

Apparently he is referring to an Italian study that found the male penis has shrunk by 10% over the last 50 years. (I’m going to completely avoid the question of why science has studied penis size for five decades.) The study concluded the causal factors were multiple: weight gain, stress, environmental factors (???) and smoking. But not our radio host. Oh, nay, nay, he knows better than those silly ol’ scientists.

And you know what?  I kinda like his idea 🙂  I mean, think of the power!  Admittedly, I’m not quite sure how it works.  Do we shrink them with a withering look?  (I am told my ‘teacher look’ is pretty scary.)  A stern talking to?  Or a rap across the little fella’s figurative knuckle?

Whichever it is, here at last is a superpower worth claiming.  I think I’ll call my new superhero Shrink-a-Dink.  I’ll wear the typical tights and cape, of course, but I’ll class the costume up with some glittery heels.  And strapped to my side will be a laser gun to point and shrink.  The muzzle of my laser will be shaped like a…well, I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Now some might question why we would waste a perfectly good superpower on making a guy’s junk *smaller* when we could–oh, I don’t know–cure world hunger or at least develop a world where women get equal pay to men.  But apparently we’re just as preoccupied with penis size as men are.  It’s the envy, doncha know.  In any case, one can’t look a superpower in the mouth.  Or in the eye.  Whatever.

This power apparently is innate and it’s yours for the exploiting…please use it for good and not evil.  Oh, who am I kidding, have fun with it 🙂  Some jerk cuts you off in traffic?  Cut *him* off.  Have a boss who sexually harasses you at work?  Shrink his harassment tool.  A cheating ex?  Make sure he has less than ever to cheat with.

Go out into the world, my Shrink-a-Dink soldiers and shrink the wrongs away.  No job is too big–or too small.  Chickification is our name and shrinkage is our game.

May the force be with you.

Got an idea for a certain someone you’re going to use your surprising new superpower on?  We want to hear all the deets!

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14 Responses to Kylie Finds Her Calling

  1. Cindy Gerard says:

    OMG. I’m rolling on the floor laughing – or would be if I thought I could get up again once I got down there.
    Hysterical! and I love it. Oh the power!! Oh the humanity!! That’s fix those guys who feel so superior that they can stand up to pee and we women can’t!
    Where can I get my Shrink-A-Dink costume? How much are you selling them for? Can I have mine monogrammed? PLEASE tell me there’s not a waiting list?
    And if I enlist today, can I expect a commissioned officer status? I’m thinking Major Shrink-A-Dink has a really nice ring to it.

    • kylie brant says:

      Yes! I should start manufacturing costumes! You know what a little seamstress I am 🙂 And we can have a special handshake! Monogrammed insignias. Or maybe they should just have an ahem, icon on them 🙂 And special officer status for everyone who joins today. I salute you, Major Shrink-a-Dink. With my index finger, because apparently *other* studies show a correlation between the length of a guy’s finger and his manhood. Now I’ll be looking at everyone’s pointer when I meet them 🙂

  2. Linda says:

    When I read this I was laughing so hard. And Cindy’s reply is just as good! You should definitely have a pistol shaped like well…. then men would be envious of you!

  3. Sonya Heaney says:

    As some people have pointed out: if women had this special superpower, why would they be *shrinking* them?!
    Our Australian equivalent to that moron has been in fine form recently too, blaming the downfall of society on the fact we have a female Governor General and Prime Minster (the two highest positions of power here).

  4. Christie Ridgway says:

    Oh, I can think of someone. He also sends me offensive emails and worse yet, openly admits to gatherings of animal lovers =that he doesn’t like dogs=. And not just in a benign, “not my thing” kind of way. He can be a weekend guest in someone’s home and be openly hostile to their furred family member. I’m pointing my laser at him right now! Thanks for the laugh, Kylie.

  5. kylie brant says:

    Oh, Christie, he’s going to be soooo sorry when the dogs end up better endowed than he is 🙂 Go get him!

  6. leannebanks says:

    I did not know we had this amazing super power! The things you teach us, Kylie! I’m trying to think of someone who needs shrinkage and about a dozen politicians come to mind!

  7. debradixon says:

    omg. Shrink-a-dink ?? Brilliant.

  8. kylie brant says:

    Deb, your costume’s in the mail 🙂

  9. roxrustand says:

    Kylie, you are hilarious!!!! 🙂

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