I am confused. Okay that’s not an abnormal state of affairs these days, but this is a new wrinkle. I went to Ulta the other day (massive beauty products store, for those of you who don’t live in blessed regions of the country!) looking for a little eye liner. I staggered out two hours later with a bag in one hand and my illusions in the other.
Once upon a time beauty products were named and packaged to give a air of elegant or comfort or beauty, or just downright sexiness. Not anymore, folks! A fresh new brand of warped creativity has hit the cosmetics counter. Crazy names, even crazier packaging.
Urban Decay is a whole line of cosmetics packaged with post-apocalyptic flair. Crumblilng brick and rusty metal and graffiti are a few of their themes. Then there’s Ed Hardy. . . even the most out-of-touch grannies have seen the tattoo-esque art with skulls, hearts, and chains on his products. Strictly hard riding leather influence. . . which apparently sells like hot cakes. I saw a toddler at the mall that same day wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt with a skull and hearts on it. Can Armegeddon be far behind?
But the color names of cosmetics have changed big-time, too. They stared out cute and funky. . . OPI was famous for it’s whimsical color names: Chocolate Shake-speare, Crepes Suzette, Dusk Over Cairo, Las Vegas Strip Poker, London Bridge is Falling Brown, Royal Flush Blush, Greece Just Blue Me Away, and my personal favorite: Nice Color, Eh?. But now it’s gone way beyond the cute, and even suggestive color names– from smirk all the way to “huh?” and “ewwwww!” Take a gander:
Pussy Pucker – lip balms – Nice Melons, Plain Ol’ Prude
Asphyxia – eye shadow (shudder)
Acid Rain – eye shadow
Half Baked – eye shadow (probably obvious on anyone wearing it)
Roach – eye shadow
Chicken Poop – lip balm– really!
I don’t care what color it is, or how yummy it smells, I am never putting Chicken Poop on my lips!
On the bright side, there is a fresh new wave of advertising and packaging that speaks ultra-realism. . . almost to the edge. BED HEAD. . . a whole line of products that are not exactly cheap. Hair wax. Not to take off hair on body parts, but to make hair stand up straight or stick out. . . most of which I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding in my toilette routine. Then there are products like MORE HAIR that promise greater fullness and the illusion of–you guessed it–MORE HAIR. And finally, one of my favorites: Helmet Head– a hairspray they could use to glue heat tiles on the bottom of space shuttles. After a day wearing it, my head bounces on the pillow when I climb into bed. Not kidding! Radical truth in advertising! Who knew?
I’m starting a collection of weird cosmetic and beauty product names. So have you see any lately that made you want to go “Whaaa?”
Share some with me and I’ll reward a loyal commentor with some Nail Envy from OPI! Or if you have a cosmetics story of your own, spill. I’ve got plenty of nail polish remover!