By no stretch of the imagination could I ever qualify as trendy. My idea of fashion is trying to stay with clothes bought within the last decade. (Not always possible.) I’m one of those rare females who was born without a shopping gene. A trip to the mall is accompanied with much sighing and whining. After three stores, I am outta there!
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions on what passes for fashionable. Let’s start with some no brainers. I don’t care what the stores sell or what the fashionistas say, bow ties and sweater vests (whether worn together or separately) are huge fashion NOs. People tempted to wear either should save themselves the money and just slap a geek sign on their foreheads. (And as a side note, pocket protectors are not acceptable fashion accessories.) Sweater vests can also effectively disguise a truly deviant nature. I have a theory, in fact, that a statistically significant number of serial killers probably had sweater vests in their closets. I don’t have any hard data on that, but if your next door neighbor sports a sweater vest AND owns a chainsaw, I’d advise you to move. Fast.
Now that we’ve warmed up, let’s tackle some thornier problems. Hip hugger jeans and skin tight shirts look good on 1% of the population over age 13. Most of us aren’t in that 1%. Next time you see a member of the 99% wearing them, consider a citizen’s citation and issue them a ticket for crimes against fashion. By all means, feel free to start with the designer.
Let’s move on to some general fashion rules of thumb: no skinny jeans on men. Ever. Nobody wants to see *that* package shrink wrapped 🙂 For women, when it comes to bared skin, less is definitely not more. As a matter of fact, I have yet another theory (I know, I’m full of them) that the amount of skin you bare should be in direct proportion to the amount you could survive without if attacked by a crazed rabid warthog. Think about that. Shorts and a top? Ok, we could live if the skin of our arms and legs got gnawed off. Bare the chest and stomach too, and ooh, we’re definitely moving into unsurvivable territory. Beaches, of course, are an exception because a) There are no warthogs on beaches and b) Fashion (and mirrors) have long been ignored there. And with a high percentage of shark attacks actually occurring with people wearing full wet suits, obviously the animal kingdom turns a blind eye to bare skin in the vicinity of sand and surf. We’ll call it a safe zone, but you may want to wear very dark sunglasses when you go. (See ‘b’ above.)
I think we can safely agree that high heels requiring women to have surgery on their toes so they can comfortably wear them are a crime against fashion. (And those women should also be seen to and chemically altered.) Heels high enough to have women teetering around like an octogenarian too long at happy hour also qualify as fashion NOs. High heels for men are fashion NEVERs, and this includes platforms. As a general rule of thumb, if the heel is high enough to qualify as an assault weapon under different circumstances, it doesn’t belong on your foot. (But if you don’t own a gun, you might want to keep the six inch spike heel on your bedside table in case a prowler shows up.)
Fashions that should never come back into style include go-go boots, mullets, anything from the 70s (yes, I’ve seen what’s in the stores, but I’ve been ignoring it and suggest you do the same), long flared sideburns for men, big hair for women, wash and go perms, mommy jeans, plaid dresses, house dresses and head-to-toe leather (dominatrix, anyone???)
I’m sure we’ll agree that bad fashion is something we all know when we see it, which explains the popularity of the People of Walmart pics that show up in our inbox occasionally. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish going through my closet and removing everything with shoulder pads….
What crimes have you committed in the name of fashion? Are there any misdemeanors you’re still guilty of? What fashion atrocity most offends your sensibilities?