My Favorite Pick Up Lines

There are few things I appreciate more than a really smarmy pick up line. Such as, “You must clean your pants with Windex cuz I can practically see myself in them.”


I mean, come on, ya gotta love ’em. And now that I’m writing my seventh Chrissy McMullen mystery I love them more than ever. If you’ve read any of my Chrissy books you know that each chapter begins with one of my characters’ little maxims. And since one of my fictional folks is a creepy but kind of lovable nerd I find myself spending waaaaay too much  time searching for ridiculous come-ons. Here are a few he would really appreciate:

I’m no Fred Flintstone but I’ll make your bed rock.

I lost my number. Can I have yours.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together.

Do your legs hurt? Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day.

I hope there’s a fireman around, cause you’re smokin’!

You’ve been a naughty girl. Go to my room.

Is that top felt? No? Would you like it to be?

Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

I’m not really this tall….I’m sitting on my wallet.

What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

You make my software turn into hardware!

I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.

You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

I’ll bet you $20 you’re gonna turn me down.

Didn’t I see your name in the dictionary under “Shazaam!”?

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?

Your daddy must have been a baker, because you’ve got a great set of buns.

My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anywhere you like.

You be the Dairy Queen and I’ll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I’ll do it your way.

I’m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I’m Batman!

When God made you, he was showing off.

Here I am. What were your other two wishes?

You look so fine I could drink your bath water!

Girl, if I were a fly, I’d be all over you, because you’re the shit!

You’re so beautiful I’d marry your brother just to get into your family.

Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to sit on it.

Stop, drop, and roll, baby. You are on fire.

This isn’t a beer belly, It’s a fuel tank for a love machine.

Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.

So how about you? Hear any great pick-up lines lately? Do share.

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34 Responses to My Favorite Pick Up Lines

  1. Betina says:

    Lois, I LOVE these. I’ve never heard such good-and-awful pick-up lines. the ones i heard back in my college days were things like: “I just changed my sheets today. Wanna come back to my apartment?”

    Not exactly the stuff great romance is made of. sigh.

    But these are great for a laugh, Lois. Thanks for a great start to the week!

  2. Leanne Banks says:

    Lois! Too funny! I cringed, but laughed at the same time when I imagined someone actually using those lines! GREAT way to start my Monday! THANKS for the laugh!:) xo, Leanne

  3. cindygerard says:

    Love those lines, Lois – smarmy, yes. Funny – damn straight!
    Wish I had something to top them but i don’t. Thanks for the grins and I’m SOOOO happy to hear we have another Chrissy novel in the works!!!

    • Melissa says:

      I thought “you had me at potato” was a pretty good one 🙂

      • cindygerard says:

        Love those lines, Lois – smarmy, yes. Funny – damn straight!
        Wish I had something to top them but i don’t. Thanks for the grins and I’m SOOOO happy to hear we have another Chrissy novel in the works!!!

        LOL Melissa. You’ve been busy reading With No remorse! Love it!

  4. Terry Odell says:

    Love starting the week with a smile — or an outright laugh. Thanks for sharing. I hate to admit I wasn’t the kind of person guys hit on, so I haven’t heard many pickup lines in my day.

    Terry’s Place

  5. Tonya says:

    Sadly, I did hear some of those lines in college. My favorite was always “do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can sure see myself in them!” When the guy said that to me, I laughed so hard I spit my drink out at him.

  6. Lois these were hilarious. I have never heard any of these personally, but if I ever do, I might embarrass the guy by laughing in his face. I have no others to add to this great list you have here. I’m still laughing. Thanks!!!

    Peace and love,
    Paula R.

  7. Melissa says:

    Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces

  8. Melissa says:

    You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?
    Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart.
    Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
    Be unique and different, say yes.
    Do you have a map? I’m getting lost in your eyes.

  9. Mary Louise says:

    Lois: WOW… these are awesome! You made my day. I just hope I get to read some more of these at the top of each chapter of Chrissy’s next adventure into her bizarro world.

  10. Kylie Brant says:

    Too funny, Lois!!! I love these. I had a character once who Tshirts with sayings on them like this. My favorite was, “Remember my name, You’ll be screaming it later.”

    And I am PUMPED that there will be another Chrissy book!!!

  11. lois greiman says:

    Tonya, I have NEVER heard any of these genius lines actually delivered. I’m not sure if I’d laugh or just stare in dumbfounded silence.

    • Tonya says:

      I had to laugh. It was from a drunk kid at the bar back in my college days and he actually thought he was being smooth!

  12. Amy-Jo says:

    OMG…these are great! It’s about the delivery/guy. If it was some greasy, cheese-ball…gross! But, if someone like (Johnny Reed *wink, wink Cindy*)…I’d bust out laughin’! He’d have me wrapped around his finger! Favs:
    It’s a good thing I’ve got my library card because I’m checkin’ you out!
    Do you have a map because I’m lost in your eyes…
    I’m sorry but you owe me a drink, because when I saw you, I dropped mine…
    Do you have a band-aid..because when I saw you, I fell…
    Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print:)

  13. lois greiman says:

    Amy-Jo, you’re right. The right guy at the right time and place could actually get away with these.

  14. Charlotte M says:

    Had someone tell me once “Your a__ is like an onion. When I look at it I just wanna cry.” Didn’t work but made me smile.

  15. lois greiman says:

    Oh man, Charlotte!! That’s one of the best I’ve ever heard. Thanks.

  16. lois greiman says:

    Mary Louise, thanks so much for your support. It’s really great living in Chrissy-world again.

  17. Kathleen O says:

    I knew a guy who used this one a lot “If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me”.
    I mean how cheesy can you get….

  18. lois greiman says:

    Kathleen O 🙂 I believe that was a country western song. Man, I love cheesy.

  19. debradixon says:

    These are a scream! I snorted coffee on one. 🙂

  20. lois greiman says:

    Deb, don’t you think that’s exactly what you’d do if you actually heard one of those lines delivered in person??? I bet spurting coffee out your nose really hurts though, huh?

  21. Helen Brenna says:

    A fuel tank for a love machine … LOL Lois, these are hilarious! And GO, Melissa and Amy-Jo! Good ones, too.

    Like Kylie, I had a character in my first book, a scuba diving treasure hunter, that always wore T-shirts with suggestive sayings. It was so fun coming up with them!

    Glad you’re going for another Chrissy book, Lois!

  22. Lois, your assignment is to perch yourself on a barstool and and pick up new pickup lines. When you get one, write it down. Tell the guy you’re collecting lines for the creepy but kind of loveable nerd in your next novel.

    Ever since “Dances With Wolves,” Clyde’s favorite line is “Put that in your book.”

  23. lois greiman says:

    Kathleen, seriously, wouldn’t that be an interesting evening???!!

  24. Fran Colley says:

    I’m going to have to text a couple of these to Deerhunter.

    My favorite pick up line was one Mac used on me (philosophically): he licked his finger and touched my shirt and his and said, “How about you and me go back to your place and get out of these wet clothes?”

    And his other line–Mac would make to walk past me, then back up and say, “Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk past again?”

  25. Ivy D says:

    So glad I found this! Improved my Monday no end..still laughing.

  26. lois greiman says:

    I’m so happy to give the Monday a smile. 🙂

  27. Some of these are actually really cute, Lois. Either that or I’m really easy. I love the alphabet one. Adorable!

  28. lois greiman says:

    Maybe you’re just easily entertained, Christie.

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