I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly down to earth, not out to impress kind of gal. I’ll go to the store in sweats with my hair in a ponytail and no make-up. I generally wear my clothes until they’re worn out or are so horrendously out of style even I notice. Hey, I wear mukluks to the dog park. How vain can I be, right?
But the other night as I attempted to select the right face cream from the, oh, I don’t know, EIGHT jars, tubes, and bottles in my cabinet, I started to think I’m deluding myself. Either that or I’ve gotten more vain as I’ve aged. Maybe both.
1. You don’t just work out on a regular basis. You have to look good while you’re doing it. No sweats and T-shirts. We’re talking Nike, Under-Armour, Reebok, etc… attire.
2. You own thong underwear. One point. You wear them. Two. (Yes, I have the token thong in my underwear drawer just so I can say I own one. Do you think I wear it? I mean, you know, outside the house?)
3. You’ve tanned within the last year. (And don’t get snitty here. Tanning beds are a no-brainer. If you had to be outside for a kids sporting event and used sunscreen, it doesn’t count. But if you rearranged the position of your arms to toast evenly, give yourself a point.) And you spray-tanners you, yes, add a point.
4. You do facial exercises. (Don’t laugh and don’t tell. I do them. If you’re nice, I’ll blog about that on my next scheduled day and teach you a thing or two.)
5. Give yourself a point for every pair of shoes you own with three-inch or higher heels.
6. You NEVER go out of the house without make-up, lipstick, sunglasses, whatever. The point is … there’s something(s) you have to do other than put on clothing before you can go in public.
8. Wax, for you, is more than just for candles. Ouch! Telly Savalas, anyone?
9. You pluck/wax your eyebrows. If you go somewhere to have someone else pluck/wax your eyebrows give yourself 2 points. (Hey, this is MY quiz. Don’t like it make up your own.)
10. Creams and lotions. This one’s tough to calculate. There are eye creams, night creams, day creams, creams with SPFs, creams with exfoliators and anti-oxidants, facial peels and scrubs. Oh, what the hell. If you use anything other than Jergens on your face, give yourself a point. If you use an eye cream give yourself another point. If you use a night cream, one more.
11. You own any form of lingerie that claims to flatten your tummy, lift your butt, or miraculously produce cleavage. One point for each, ladies.
12. You’re under 40.
13. You’re under 30.
14. You’re under 25. (Yeah, you get 3–count em 3–points if you’re 24!)
1- 9: You’re either very young or have accepted aging much more gracefully than I have. You like yourself just the way you are. I’d say good for you, but you certainly don’t need my validation!
10-19: This is my group. Yeah, you’re probably a little on the vain side, but you’ve got good company. Like I said before, don’t like it, come up with your own quiz.
20 and up: You, honey, are so vain, you probably think this blog is about you. You’re one of those people who ALWAYS looks good. And I hate you for it. Keep up the good work!