At least that’s the ‘truth’ according to one political shock jock. Last week I was in stitches when I read his assertion that femi-nazis and the chickification of America were responsible for…wait for it…the decreasing average size of the male penis.
I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.
Apparently he is referring to an Italian study that found the male penis has shrunk by 10% over the last 50 years. (I’m going to completely avoid the question of why science has studied penis size for five decades.) The study concluded the causal factors were multiple: weight gain, stress, environmental factors (???) and smoking. But not our radio host. Oh, nay, nay, he knows better than those silly ol’ scientists.
And you know what? I kinda like his idea I mean, think of the power! Admittedly, I’m not quite sure how it works. Do we shrink them with a withering look? (I am told my ‘teacher look’ is pretty scary.) A stern talking to? Or a rap across the little fella’s figurative knuckle?
Whichever it is, here at last is a superpower worth claiming. I think I’ll call my new superhero Shrink-a-Dink. I’ll wear the typical tights and cape, of course, but I’ll class the costume up with some glittery heels. And strapped to my side will be a laser gun to point and shrink. The muzzle of my laser will be shaped like a…well, I’ll leave that to your imagination.
Now some might question why we would waste a perfectly good superpower on making a guy’s junk *smaller* when we could–oh, I don’t know–cure world hunger or at least develop a world where women get equal pay to men. But apparently we’re just as preoccupied with penis size as men are. It’s the envy, doncha know. In any case, one can’t look a superpower in the mouth. Or in the eye. Whatever.
This power apparently is innate and it’s yours for the exploiting…please use it for good and not evil. Oh, who am I kidding, have fun with it Some jerk cuts you off in traffic? Cut *him* off. Have a boss who sexually harasses you at work? Shrink his harassment tool. A cheating ex? Make sure he has less than ever to cheat with.
Go out into the world, my Shrink-a-Dink soldiers and shrink the wrongs away. No job is too big–or too small. Chickification is our name and shrinkage is our game.
May the force be with you.
Got an idea for a certain someone you’re going to use your surprising new superpower on? We want to hear all the deets!