Guido’s Home Decoratin’


Yo. It’s me. Betina’s pal Guido. She has axed me to come an’ once again elucidate for youse on a subject close to my heart. Home decoratin.’ Which I have been doin’ a lot of lately on account of my girlfriend vamoosed an’ took every stinkin’ stick of furniture in da house. (May her died blond hair get pulled out by its fat black rooots.)

She’s gone two days an’ here comes my two sisters. Who always drive me nuts. Them broads– they know how to put the hurt on a guy. I gave ‘em every cent I had on me and a couple of credit cards from a guy who won’t be needin’ ‘em anymore(wink, wink). Anyways, I told ‘em. . . a good recliner and one o’ them big screen TV’s. On accounta I am a man o’ simple needs.

Whaddo I get? Boxes. Big, heavy boxes. Nine of ‘em. Just for the livin’ rooom. There’s four more in th’ bedroom an’ half a dozen fer the kitchen. They went to someplace called Ike-ear or somethin’. Laughed their asses off. Well, almost. Both o’ them broads got way too much in th’ trunk to get rid of wit one cheap trick on a brudder. Gina, she hands me a screwdriver and says fer me to brush up on my prayers. I, o’course, called Ma. Who said it was all her idea. To keep me busy. Idol hands. . . ‘er some such.

I am not a man to be out-done. Respects to Ma, an’ all that, but I am not gonna sit around for weeks on cardboard wile I try to figure out how to put dis shit together. Pardon da French. Nor can I call any o’ my fellow wise guys an’ confess how my sisters got it over on me. So I head for dis Ike-ear place to find somebody who knows how to use a screwdriver.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph– the place was like five blocks long! I wandered around, an’ found a guy in a blue shirt who was talkin’ to some customers like he knew what was up. When he finished, I dragged him behind a bookcase, cranked on his arm a little, an’ persuaded him to come home wi’ me an put my stuff together. It’s what he gets fer sellin’ stuff half made, the little weasel.

Anyway, turns out– after he stops wailin’ and beggin’ me to let ‘im live– he does know how to put th’ stuff together. I hand ‘im the screwdriver and he gets to work. And –dam– dang, this stuff ain’t too bad. After half a hour, I got a coffee table. Then a end table. End of what, I dunno. Anyway, pretty soon, I got a sofa. . . which only needed feet. Sofas got FEET. Who knew? So, before long, I got bookcases. Two of ‘em. Heh. Like I got any books. But this little IKEA turd tells me it was smart of ‘em. . . on account of I needed some “verticals” in da room. I tell ‘im I’m more a hor-i-zontal kinda guy. But he says it’s decor-a-tor talk for fillin’ up the walls. Then he says my twisted sisters got the model with a little table (con-soul) in the middle for a TV. A big screen TV. Okay, so now I’m interested.
Pretty soon, I’m on the floor in my sock feet holdin’ the chair seat with one hand an’ my piece in the otha. An’ before long, I’m sittin’ at my own kitchen table– which I helped put together wit my own two hands. Not bad for my first time usin’ a strewdriver for anything besides jimmyin’ a lock. I figure the little turd deserves a beer. An’ while we’re workin’ on the bedside tables, he says I need some pitchers. Like hell, I says. Me and my buddies all drink beer like God made it– straight outa the bottle. Pitchers for the walls, he says.

An’ then he says I need some new curtains for da windows. Dese wi’ the little coffee pots on ‘em has been here since WWII. Then he rolls out the rug and puts the tables in place and I’m–ya know–all choked up. An’ not like Vinnie’s got me in a headlock choked up. Maybe my sisters don’ hate me afterall. He pokes around an’ finds a picture of Ma and one of me wit some o’ my old P.S. 117 gang. Puts ‘em on the shelves and. . . dang, th’ place is lookin’ downright homey.

So I order in some baked ziti an’ open a bottle of Chianti. . . an the Turd, who’s name is Sheldon, talks about how some new paint on the walls an’ a pitcher or two an’ I got a real pad here. Like one o’ them makeover shows. I ain’t never seen one, so I haveta trust him he ain’t talkin’ about
girlie stuff. Anyway, turns out, he’s not a bad guy. A little stiff. Like he ain’t exactly used to guns pointed at him. I guess it’s jus’ somethin’ ya haveta get used to.

Anyways, he tells me there’s dis layerin’ thing to decoratin’. You gotta think about things. . . like the “mood” you want in the room. Says certain colors have effects on people. Like red. . . makes people alarmed or excited. Yeah, I can see that. I see red on a shirt or a floor– I get a little excited. Anyway he’s tellin’ me all kindsa stuff about color and before I know it, I’m axin’ him to come wit me to pick out paint and drapes for the rest o’ that “makeover” thing. He says he will and we set a date.

I call ‘im a cab and as we stand waitin’ for it by the door, lookin’ at the front room. . . I just reached out an’ hug ‘im. You know. Jus’ a regular Goomba wise guy-to wise-guy hug to say thanks. He hugs me back.

Okay, I guessed straight up that Shel’s pitchin’ for the other side, know what I mean? And since he left I’m thinkin’ about that hug. I mean, he hugged me. Now whadda I do? I mean, I’m supposed to meet ‘im an’ pick out curtains wi’ him. An’ now I’m wonderin’ if that’s smart. I mean, what if he wants to hug me again?

What about youse? Done any redecoratin’? Got any makeovers? I’m thinkin’ maybe my sisters weren’t just bein’ mean. I’m thinkin’ maybe I’ll have them an’ Ma over for dinner some day. . . to say thanks. How do I handle the Sheldon thing? You ever had to put furniture together? Ever been to IKEA? Whaddaya think?

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8 Responses to Guido’s Home Decoratin’

  1. Debra Dixon says:

    We are *still* finishing up the “decorating” part of the remodel. I’ve got all the new furniture but one leather chair. I didn’t have to put together any of it, thankGawd. That would have been a disaster. LOL!My fab new chair-and-a-half and ottoman for the sitting area of the master has become the property of the cats. It’s like a magnet. I’ve had to cover both pieces because I can’t get the cats off it! And that defeats the whole idea of having “nice things.” ::shaking head::

  2. Guido, how enterprising of your sisters to introduce you to Scandinavian sensibility. It could change your life. Did you visit the cafeteria at Ikea? How ’bout those Swedish meatballs?When we were faced with the need to quickly put together a room in our house for two tots, we went to Ikea. One stop shopping, and while the price is right, the stuff is sturdy, attractive, clever, clean and uncomplicated. The kids’ stuff is especially cool–bunk beds, little table and chairs, clever storage, terrific chalk board/art center, and all the coordinated bedding and other textiles you can think of in great colors. It wasn’t hard to put together, either. The directions were made for you, Guido. All in pictures.

  3. Cindy Gerard says:

    Guido – welcome to the world of HGTV and the like. Sounds like you’ve got your feet wet in something other than cement – which is a good thing.I’m in the process of picking out new living room furniture. It will be a long drawn out process because I have to see EVERYTHING before I make a decision. For me it’s all about color and comfort and scale. Seriously, HGTV has opened me up to new ways of thinking about decorating. and I love it. No more washed out colors for me. :o)And Deb – I hear you on the cats. I’ve had to make adjustments for our cats and dogs for years. Next furniture is going to be pet friendly so I can see it :o)Can’t remember who mentioned it before but did you all know that Page is back on Trading Spaces? Guess we weren’t the only ones who missed her.

  4. Guido! Glad to see you again!I just redecorated the bedroom of Son 1. Repainted, moved furniture around and one piece out, another in. I also did some stenciling around the windows, closet, and door. It looks great, though he says it looks like a room in his grandmother’s (my mom’s) house. To me, that’s a compliment!Our family is up as soon as Surfer Guy decides on a flat screen TV. He keeps wanting a bigger one than currently available. We’ll have to do a major re-do then.And yes, Cindy, I saw that Page is back! Yeah!

  5. Helen Brenna says:

    Guido, you’re not my best buddy today. And I can say that ’cause you don’t know where I live. heheheMy house needs a today redo, except for the kitchen. I’m dreading it.Love Ikea, though. That place has everything.

  6. Betina Krahn says:

    Deb, Guido said he hears you on the cat thing. He volunteered to take care of your cat problem for you– permanently. Don’t think I’d take him up on it, if I were you.Kathy, my favorite Goomba says you’ve got “a sassy mout.” And he LIKES broads with “some sass in ‘em.” Frankly, I think he’s got a crush on you. You see, I loaned him a couple of your books for his new bookcases (The horses intrigued him.) and he flipped through until he came to a love scene. Okay, I promise not to give up your address. . .And Cindy, he thinks you’re pretty smart and wonders if you’d be interested in helpin’ him out with the paint colors. (He’s really worried about this Sheldon thing.)Christie, he says your Surfer Boy is “one lucky stiff.” “A woman what understands a guy’s yen fer a big screen. . . that’s one rare broad.”Helen. In spite of your lack of diplomacy, Guido’s willing to come over and “demo” your kitchen. . . for free. How’s this weekend?;) Betina

  7. M. says:

    Hee!Makes me think of the ‘Amazing Race’ episode when the contestants visited the world’s largest Ikea (in Stockholm, natch) and had to choose between counting a couple of hundred little items, and putting together a desk. The deskbuilders all finished first.

  8. Sorry I missed this yesterday. My first (and only) visits to Ikea were in Frankfurt, Germany back in the late 70’s. I loved that store. We only had a few accessories from there but I still have a little wicker child’s chair we got for #1 son. The closest Ikea to us now is in Atlanta. My last 3 years have been a decorating project. We moved into a brand new house 3 years ago and because 90% of our furniture was old and we’d raised 2 boys on it, we sold it and started fresh. Also the new house is a completely different style than the old one and my tastes have changed over the year too.I have zero decorating sense and that’s why I hired a decorator to help me. We’ve done it room by room over the last 36 months and just completed the dining room last month. I’ve learned a lot from her, though, and did my office myself. It’s not as cool as the rooms she did, but it’s not supposed to be cool. It’s supposed to be functional and a place I feel comfortable and that it is.I love Guido’s tale. Hope he can share more of his adventures one day.Marilyn

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